I’m so bad at posting
I have a bad habit of neglecting blogs. I always go in with good intentions and a lot of thoughts I want to share, but then I don’t. I have no idea why. I hoped I’d be better this time, but I should have learned from the past. In any case, I’m posting now and maybe sporadic is the best I can do. So what has happened since I last posted? I finished chemo!!!! I’m so glad to be done with that nightmare. I’m being a little dramatic, but let’s be honest, chemo sucks. I keep getting asked if I got to ring “the bell”. It’s a huge deal apparently, this bell. It’s kind of like those bells they have in bridal stores for when you say yes to the dress. Everyone is disappointed when I say no. I’m sorry, nobody told me about a bell so I didn’t ask. Did you get to ring a bell? I didn’t get to ring a dress bell or an I’m finished chemo bell. I do have a fancy vintage school bell, and maybe I’ll ring that. My last chemo was four weeks ago now, and my hair is beginning to grow back. I never thought I’d be so happy to shave my legs! Of course it really isn’t that exciting because it’s going to take several more months for the hair on my head to even look like a buzz cut. Right now it’s fuzzy and white, and very very sparse. I’m regretting not investing in a nice wig.
I had a mastectomy on my left side as well as a partial lymph node dissection this past Tuesday. The original plan was to have a double mastectomy because I am brca1 positive, but because of some heart issues I wrote about in a post I never actually posted, my surgeon didn’t want to do such a long surgery. I’ll write more detail about my surgical experience in a future post, but the surgery itself went well. I responded to chemo really well, so I only had three lymph nodes removed. I was most worried about having to have them all out and dealing with the resulting lymphedema. I don’t feel like my surgeon really prepared me for the after surgery parts. From what I had seen (and I looked up A LOT of pictures online), most mastectomies looked flat. A flat chest with a big scar. I have a huge crater where my boob used to be. It goes all the way down below my armpit. I’ve since read a couple accounts of women saying they have prominent sternums and this happened to them as well. My sternum is quite prominent, so I guess that answers that. I have no idea how this big hole is going to be reconstructed, but I also found out that I need to wait a year and a half after radiation to have reconstruction surgery. The feelings I’m having right now are big, and I didn’t anticipate them. I was a little naive to think losing a part of my body would be no big deal because at least it means I’m closer to cancer-free, because yeah, big feelings. Triggering feelings of having no control over my body. Feeling separate from my body. Not accepting this body that looks so much worse than I had expected. Allowing myself to feel these things is also a challenge, because I really should just be happy I’m beating this cancer, right? I am happy and so grateful, but there’s so much more, and it’s a little miserable.
I am recovering well, physically. I have a long incision and two drains. The drains are uncomfortable, especially if I think about them too much, but one will come out soon. I have to have less than 35 ml of output two days in a row before a drain can be removed. So close! I was expecting the pain to be horrible, but it’s really not. I get sore, but I haven’t needed the hardcore painkillers they prescribed. They did tell me the recovery would be much easier than chemo, and that’s definitely my experience so far. I am a little (a lot) worried about having these drains pulled out. Have I mentioned I hate surgical drains? I really do.
I do have before and after pictures of my tumour that I really want to share, but I still can’t figure out how to post pictures on here. I think it’s because I’m posting from my phone. I’ll figure it out. The chemo really did work well, and being part of an imaging study where I could see the changes after each session was really motivating.
I will post more soon. I saw a childlife specialist with my son and I’d really like to post about that experience. It was really positive. You are not alone ❤️
I had a mastectomy on my left side as well as a partial lymph node dissection this past Tuesday. The original plan was to have a double mastectomy because I am brca1 positive, but because of some heart issues I wrote about in a post I never actually posted, my surgeon didn’t want to do such a long surgery. I’ll write more detail about my surgical experience in a future post, but the surgery itself went well. I responded to chemo really well, so I only had three lymph nodes removed. I was most worried about having to have them all out and dealing with the resulting lymphedema. I don’t feel like my surgeon really prepared me for the after surgery parts. From what I had seen (and I looked up A LOT of pictures online), most mastectomies looked flat. A flat chest with a big scar. I have a huge crater where my boob used to be. It goes all the way down below my armpit. I’ve since read a couple accounts of women saying they have prominent sternums and this happened to them as well. My sternum is quite prominent, so I guess that answers that. I have no idea how this big hole is going to be reconstructed, but I also found out that I need to wait a year and a half after radiation to have reconstruction surgery. The feelings I’m having right now are big, and I didn’t anticipate them. I was a little naive to think losing a part of my body would be no big deal because at least it means I’m closer to cancer-free, because yeah, big feelings. Triggering feelings of having no control over my body. Feeling separate from my body. Not accepting this body that looks so much worse than I had expected. Allowing myself to feel these things is also a challenge, because I really should just be happy I’m beating this cancer, right? I am happy and so grateful, but there’s so much more, and it’s a little miserable.
I am recovering well, physically. I have a long incision and two drains. The drains are uncomfortable, especially if I think about them too much, but one will come out soon. I have to have less than 35 ml of output two days in a row before a drain can be removed. So close! I was expecting the pain to be horrible, but it’s really not. I get sore, but I haven’t needed the hardcore painkillers they prescribed. They did tell me the recovery would be much easier than chemo, and that’s definitely my experience so far. I am a little (a lot) worried about having these drains pulled out. Have I mentioned I hate surgical drains? I really do.
I do have before and after pictures of my tumour that I really want to share, but I still can’t figure out how to post pictures on here. I think it’s because I’m posting from my phone. I’ll figure it out. The chemo really did work well, and being part of an imaging study where I could see the changes after each session was really motivating.
I will post more soon. I saw a childlife specialist with my son and I’d really like to post about that experience. It was really positive. You are not alone ❤️
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