it’s working

The good news is the chemo is working! I saw my oncologist for a follow-up/pre-chemo round 2 appointment and my tumor that was measuring 2 cm is now measuring just one. I have a much harder time feeling the tumor on my own, but actually seeing it and hearing it from the drs was nice. I’m part of an imaging study (mostly because they give out free parking passes and parking is making us broke. $26 each time! Also, because if there’s even a small possibility I can help treatments in the future, count me in. There’s another study for women under 40 that I’m in as well) so I actually got to see it on screen and it’s changing. This is good.

My hair started falling out yesterday and I wish I could be strong about it and say “it’s just hair, it’ll grow back. Yay, hats!” but I can’t. My hair has always been like a security blanket for me, and it’s something I’ve always liked about my physical self. I used to walk around with it hiding my face in high school (the photos are really embarrassing), I had swoopy bangs in my face after that, and chunky ones now, and I play with my hair when I’m anxious. The thought of no hair is causing a lot of anxiety. Losing your hair sucks! I think it’s ok to be sad about it and I don’t think it means I’m not being positive about the whole beating this cancer thing. I will fight and win, I am strong, but I need to be sad about the giant bald spot on the back of my head right now.