on being a mom with cancer

I think having a parent with cancer, or being a parent with cancer would be hard at any age. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was pregnant with my older son, and it was still awful. Being diagnosed while having tiny children brought a whole new set of worries though. Putting aside the “am I going to get to see my children grow up? I need to be there for them!” thoughts, how was I going to meet the physical and emotional needs of a four year old and an (at the time) seven month old while going through chemo, and surgery, and radiation, and chemo again? My younger son still nursed on demand, he doesn’t sleep through the night, and if I tried putting him down during the day he would cry immediately. My older son is becoming more capable of doing some things on his own, but he still needs a lot of help with every day tasks. I’ve been told “at least at that age they can make themselves a bowl of cereal and plop themselves in front of the tv”, but he doesn’t like cereal (I know, right?) and he won’t come downstairs on his own in the morning. He’s a mama’s boy through and through, a sensitive, empathetic soul, and he’s still so young. Children are resilient, but would he be ok? Questions about how we would even tell him in a way he could understand without putting too much on him raced through my head constantly. What if I didn’t survive this? What then? I didn’t go through all those years of fertility treatments to be a mom for five years. My husband didn’t sign up to be a single dad (I know nobody does). Once we found out the cancer hadn’t spread beyond my lymph nodes and we were given a 74-85% prognosis of being alive and cancer free five years from now (they couldn’t narrow it down further for me since it depends on so much, but everyone asks, so there it is), it felt better. I never felt like I had a choice but to get through this because of the kids, but it still helps to hear. Once I talked to some of my very small but very wonderful extended family and knew they were there for my kids no matter what, I felt better. They would be ok no matter what happened.

We waited to tell my son until after we knew exactly what we were facing. He knew I had been going to a lot of appointments, so we lay down with him in bed (this is where he talks the most openly with us.. probably to avoid having to go to sleep at bedtime, but I’ll take it) and told him about my sick spot. “There’s a sick spot in mama and the doctors are going to give me medicine help make it smaller. The medicine is going to make me very sick for awhile so things will be a little different.” He had some questions about the sick spot. Where was it? How did I get it? Did I need to have a needle? Did the needle hurt? Does it hurt? How do you take it out? We tried to be as honest as possible. We made sure he knew he couldn’t catch it from me and I didn’t do anything bad to get it. We told him after I got the medicine the doctors would take the sick spot out through an operation. “There are lots of people who will help take care of you and Elliott while I’m sick, like Daddy, Grammie, and Goopa. I’ll still be here for you, but I won’t be able to play as much.” We told him my hair would fall out and he was very interested about that part. He said he wanted me to get the medicine right then so he could see. He WANTED my hair to fall out. He asked about that a lot and was actually excited (curious), but has since changed his mind and does not want my hair to fall out. I explained that I would wear scarves and hats, and get a wig so it wouldn’t be too different. We made sure he knew he could ask any questions any time he wanted and he has, but mostly he says he doesn’t want me to take the medicine because he doesn’t want me to be sick. There are a lot of cuddles and a lot of reassuring. Sometimes I worry we put too much on him because it has caused him to worry, but I don’t think there is an easy way to do it. I have the number of a play therapist through our breast cancer centre should we need it.

Since starting chemo things have been hard. It has been hard for me to allow myself enough time to rest while others take over the child care. The first few days I way overdid it and ended up making my bone pain much worse. I am incredibly lucky to have a lot of support and help. We had to cancel on a birthday party the day after chemo and my friends offered to have my son without me and he had a wonderful time. My mother in law had booked a visit for this week before all of this cancer stuff came out and so instead of going on outings like we had planned, she came and played with the kids. My son’s teachers have been amazing and so supportive (I’m actually sad it’s summer break now because it would have been a safe, consistent, supportive place for him). My mom has basically become a second mama to my kids, and my husband has taken over everything. They make sure I get rest and they do way too much. Still, sometimes my kids just want me. My older son doesn’t want to let me out of his sight at times, he says his misses me, and it hurt so much the other morning when he wasn't feeling well and I couldn’t help clean him up or hold him close because germs. It’s hard to see tantrums where he’s tired and stressed and says “I just want mama, nobody else!” It’s hard when it physically hurts to hold the baby or give him a bath. I am getting some energy back, so maybe the rest of the time before my next chemo treatment will be easier, and there will be more mama time for the boys. I keep reminding myself this isn’t forever and it will get easier.

I've always tried to be present in the moment with my kids, and appreciate the every day with them. This has become even more important. Sitting down to breakfast, reading a book, making something together (yesterday it was a TTC bus made out of construction paper), checking on the plants in our garden, putting the baby down for a nap, even just being together. I could listen to my son talk forever, and he does (please, don't ever stop). My younger son probably won't remember this time, but I'm hoping my older son remembers the good times we are spending together.